Are we there yet?

Apparently a good friend has been stabbing me in the back. Lets clear this up shall we.

My Little World Of Drama (or so it as been coined by some one and repeated by two friends)
Has not been what you may have been told. The things that I have been stresses over have no corrolation to my friends. If you care to know what my life has been like over the last few months here goes.

Mom has been upset becouse she is having to sell the hair studio, move out of her dream house, move away from her family, and away from Lester. Lester's birthday just passed so she has been on edge. Our house on Spruce hasn't sold and the people are real pains, the house on Germander hasn't sold, Kevin still has no way to support himself so she is fitting the bill, and other finance stuff that's gotten her into a tizzy.

Dad is excited about moving but he will also be leaving his dream house (his fire place and his stairs), and his family. He will be going to hotter weather which he hates, and he will be working at a brewery.

Max just went to the doctor, the found 'something' and sent it off to be looked at. Mom's scaring her with the thought it might be cancer. She's not a happy camper. She is going to be leaving all her friends and starting her senoir year in a new school without a car, or a job, or her big sister.

Kevin hasn't helped himself to anything. He talks about getting his next vet. check to buy video games when he really needs to save money for that baby. The baby mama hasn't talked to us since the day she told us she was having a baby. He doesn't realize how hard things are going to get for him if he dosen't start preparing now.

Rich is nuts. Going to marry this girl he fights with all the time, and wants me to call her to talk to her and fix things on his behalf. He is also going back to the middle east in a few months and I'm worried for him. He want's Kevin's baby but.. oh gosh.. i don't know.

Skip is sick and needs an operation. I have a friend helping me so I think he will be able to get better instaid of being put down before he really has a chance to live. Still it's a lot of money I don't have.

My family talks to me. They need someone to be strong for them right now and that is what I have been doing. Making sure my family will be alright and helping as much as I can, but even I am having problems. I work as an intern but don't get paid. I applied for, and still applying, for a job that will let me keep my intern and still pay the bills. I have no money. I start work at starbucks hopefully by Thursday. And I babysit when ever I can for some sort of support. I have more bills then I have money. But I am working through them. All is not lost. I need to find an apartment, but need the money to do so first. But I have two true friends backing me up.

As for the 'shit Nikki's been talking'
Read above! Do you think I have time to talk shit? or that my life is not complicated anough? So here is the deal. If you don't read anything else

READ THIS
I am tired of the high school 'he said she said' SHIT. I have made new rules for the way I will live.

1. If you want to tell me about drama then you better be ready for me to fix it, right then, right there. No more 'I heard "this" but can't tell you from who', or "so and so" has been talking bad about you but I can't tell you what they said, or "so and so" said "this" about you but don't tell them I told you. These three types of remarks are the words of cowards. If you won't tell me who, what, and confess that you told me then you are hiding something and it leads me to belive you don't wont it fixed and your just telling me to hurt me. If you can't tell me the who, what, and want to hide the fact that you told me then DON'T TELL ME I DON'T CARE TO KNOW.
2. If you are mad at me, then speak up. I DON'T READ MINDS. If you are mad at me for something someone said that I said then tell me. If it's good anough to get mad over then it is good anough to fix. I will no longer fret over someone who is mad at me and won't tell me why. It's childish and stupid. And again it your not willing to tell me the who, what and confess that you told me then your little hissy-fit holds no water with me and I will simply not care.
3. DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING THAT YOU DON'T WANT MADE PUBLIC. This goes for everday converstation. If you start trash talking someone to me then I will assume you are either in the process of fixing it and need a sounding board, or that you need help fixing it and came to me. I will surely help you if you need me to. The offer has always been there. If you have a something you don't want anyone to know I will keep quiet as long as that 'something' isn't the start of more drama in which case I will only remain quiet if you are trying to fix it.
4. IF I AM TRYING TO FIX THINGS AND YOUR GOING ON THE DEFENCIVE, and will not talk (which you don't have to, free country and all) I will be left to assume that it was true and I will take appropiate action. If you explain things to me I will except it as truth.

ex. You get mad at the world one day and deside everyone is a loser. You tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that and somehow it winds up back to me. I will go to you asking if I did something wrong, if your ok, and why did you call me that. Just be strait with me, damn it. Everyone has bad days and lets there mouth wander and thats fine. That isn't a big deal to me. In fact you'll probley get treated to ice cream.

If you get defencive and angry at me asking WTF, what's going on? I'm confused... then you probley did start shit and are to much of a coward to own up to it. If you feel like running is better then fixing things then don't start shit in the first place. The shit you start WILL, WITHOUT A DOUT, COME BACK TO YOU AND BITE YOU IN THE ASS.

I hope this clears up a few things for my friends.
Anne, Mike, Nate, Scott, and who ever else has been told lies about my 'little world of drama' or that I have been 'talking shit' about them. If anyone would like to come forward and tell me who said these things then by all means do, but your name will be mentioned to the person when it is brought up. I will be meeting when the person that I have been led to belive started all this. After that the rules go into effect and I will stand by them.

To my friends
Nikki

Every morning I wake up finding myself in this hole.
I don't hold the shovel
yet It keeps getting deeper.
I can't seem to get out.
There is no arm of friendship to grasp.

Why didn't I die in the car
when Gravity tried to claim it.
Why didn't I go when the red truck
Tryed to hit us.
Why am I not at the beach yet
Where my soul can find peace,
Where I can die and my soul be at ease?

Last night was hell, I couldn't sleep. The only few minutes i did sleep I had nightmars and was woken up by the kittens clawing at my limbs. I had to find you, and say what I needed to say. Tell you how I felt, make right my life, make what I though was your dreams come true. But I couldn't find you. I took of my lunch break to look for you. I haven't eaten, haven't found you and now I have to go back to work. Sick to my tummy, nerves a wreck. I think I know where you are. I think I know what is happening, why I feel sick. So how is her bed? How does she feel... does it feel like us? When we where in love? Do you even care? I thought you said you had changed. But your still doing your same old shit. Running away with the first thing you see. Suddenly I'm not good anough again, you have something else. When your alone I'm your angel, but when your not I am nothing. I was going to sacrafice my relationship with everyone once again, to be with you. I'm glad I didn't go through with it. You haven't changed, you haven't grown up, and you still don't love me. It sucks, becouse I can't figure out for the life of me why I still love you.

I am in a very depressive mood right now. Here is why.

My mom is about to loose the Hair Studio... her dream job that she has always wanted. She is about to sell the house that she built as a 'dream house' becouse we are so far in debt. And just had a mole that changed color removed from her face. They fear it's cancer since she has had breast cancer before. Her best friend died of cancer on January the 6th of this year. So she is very worried. She will not stop going to her best friends grave, she's always upset and she has stopped eating.

My dad has been working non-stop. He won't talk to anyone, not even me. He snaps at everyone. He would talk about his feelings. He's also mad that I can't pay my rent. I don't have the money.

My sister is playing it cool but she is loosing it. She is going to go live with my aunt so she can start her senior year at Penelton in Anderson. She is still anti-social, and told me she dosen't think I'm a good sister caz I can't take her places. She is obsessed with how things look and is ashamed when her friends come over becouse she says I look like a slob. She won't get a job, and won't get her drivers licens. She has taken over my things claiming they are hers and when we disagree about something she runs to my folks then we have a family meting and I get ganged up on. Every day I come home wondering what I've done wrong today. And it sometimes isn't about what I did that day, or the day before but what I've done a month ago that she just remembered to whine about.

My kittens are driving my mom wild. She wants me to wake up at 6 to feed them. Told me I don't love them anough, and don't take responceablity for them... thats after I forked out 50 dollars that I didn't really have to spend on flee meds. Then I got them cat toys when she complained they scratch the chairs. Then I got them collers so they would be officialy mine. I play with them every day, feed them in the afternoon and night, (if I can't I pay max a dollar a day to), and I put them in my room to sleep at night. Now mom wants them gone... really she wants me gone.

They are tired of me having my stuff laying around.. mostly my shoes. I come home, take off my shoes, and go to bed. They are just shoes for goodness sakes. I'm going to go around the house tomorow morning and put all my stuff in my room, then clean my room. I'll act like I only live in my room for now on, since they don't seem to want me in anyother part of the house.

Work sucks. I am not a server. I will go tomorow and hand out apps. I need a better job to pay the bills. I am barley scrapping by with no help from anyone. It sucks. I want out. I feel like I have failed. 3 trys and now I'm out.

Scott is alsome. Smart, fun, and sweet. But he dosen't know when I'm upset. I don't feel safe anough to confide in him, or cry in his arms. He has no idea whats really been going on and I think I would rather keep it like that. I don't want him upset. The only person that understands me and knows how to make me smile even though the pain is my Best friend. And I feel I have failed them both.

I feel like I have failed my Best Friend, my boyfriend, my family as far as being a good sister/daughter, I have failed at becoming something with my life as far as jobs are concerned, and I feel like I have failed myself. I have forgotten what it feels like to just be happy to be alive. I forgot what makes me happy. I just want out. I am so depressed I couldn't eat, I can't sleep, and I just want to run to my best friend and cry my eyes out. But he has things and people that are importiant to him, the way this should be I guess.

This is why I am running away. The 10 through the 12 I will run away. Me and my best friend if he wants to come. By that time I'll have the money for my phone, car payment, and insurence, and some for the trip. Don't worry. I will make sure the proper people know about my dissapearence and with whom I'm going with if he is able. I hope this trip gives me something to live for.

I need help, I usually don't ask for it but this time I need it... you know my number, help me out if your able. I promise it won't be forgotten.

WHAT HAD HAD HAPPENED!?!????

I went there becouse I knew you would be there. I knew what class you where in and I had to speak to you. I found you and took a seat behind you. The teacher didn't seem to mind this older person making her apperence in her class room. Your class mates didn't realise who I was either. I didn't belong here but then again I had to speak to you. I tryed. I tryed to talk to you but you ignored me, you ignored everyone. You didn't speak. Not even when the girl came up to you and started to talk to you. You just smiled at her and returned to what you where doing. My evil glance sent her to her set. So people do see me. But I have to talk to you. It's importaint. I am keep trying to tell you, keep trying to remember the words I was told to tell you. Maybe I wasn't makeing sence. I was starting to forget. Forget what it was. Was it importaint I tell you for your sake or was it importaint that you knew becouse it was simply one of those little things that made a great deal to me? A boy walked up to your desk. He was complaining. He made me mad. I don't know if he was complaining about me, but he tone was nasty and I didn't like it. I balled my fist and sent it to his face. He layed on the floor. The bell rang. Everyone packed up their books and macanicly walked out of the classroom. I tryed to follow you but lost you in the crowd. I had to find you, talk to you, tell you, had to tell you before I forgot. I couldn't forget. I found you in the crowd, and raced behind you down two hallways. I was about to run into you when you turned to face me. You said 'what'. I froze. I didn't know. It was so importaint and I had forgot. It would have been importaint for you to know, it was ment for me to tell. I forgot. But then again who are you? I don't even remember your name. By the look on your face you don't know me either. Your tone was so cold, like I had intruded your perfect bubble. I had damaged it, who ever you are. I didn't know what to say, so I turned around and walked out of the building. I didn't look back. I got in my car, turned on the radio and started to drive. The radio blasted a notice of a tragity of some sort. It gave a name, your name I think I don't know. I don't know you or your name. I felt bad. I felt for your family, for you, for your friends, for what you have lost. I felt weak in the since that it happend to someone, that I couldn't help, that I didn't know. If I knew who that person was, if I could have helped, if I was there, I would have. I would have helped. But I didn't even know the person, they didn't know me. So I grived for the unknown, the lost, the stranger. The forgotten.


ok so that was more messed up then i thought it was. I wrote it so I wouldn't forget the dream, so I wouldn't forget, since the dream was about forgetting. I'm still trying to remember what I was suppost to say in the dream, and who I was suppost to say it to, but I don't even know if it was a guy or girl I was looking for. I don't know, maybe you guys can figure it out.... I'm at a lose. That's what you get for finnaly sleeping after 5 days with no rest.

Cat is having kittens... anyone want one?

LJ messing up again... sigh.

LJ messing up again... sigh.

And so my life takes and unexpected turn into a new direction. You there, on the path with me, try to keep up.

1. WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR EX IF YOU COULD?
Um.. no. I have too much stuff to deal with right now to have to go through hell again. But keeping him as a friend... yea I could do that.
2. WHAT KIND OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A dirty little black shirt that has 'smile' writen on it.
3. HAVE YOU MADE OUT WITH ANYONE ON YOUR FRIEND'S LIST?
....
4. DO YOU HAVE "A THING" FOR ANYONE ON YOUR TOP 8?
nope.
5. HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR LIST DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE?
All on livejournal.
6. DO YOU HOLD GRUDGES?
Most times no, unless it's something you've done that can never be fixed.
7. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?
2 but I dout I'll have any.
8. DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH YOUR PARENTS?
oh oh that's so funny!
9. DO YOU MAKE OVER 40K A YEAR?
I wish!
11. WHAT NAME WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE BESIDES THE ONE YOU HAVE?
I have many names already. I just use one more often then the others.
12. WOULD YOU EVER MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX?
Nope... sorry girls just don't turn me on that way.
13. WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER'S NAME?
Pam
14. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
My best friend's Grandpa died on my birthday. I hung out with him all day.
15. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE?
I don't know.. It just got turned on. Call it and I'll tell ya.
16. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP
Today, shit 6am. Why to damn early.
17. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT TWO NIGHTS AGO?
Sitting ontop of the parking garage downtown, looking down, wondering how bad I would damage the car under me if I jumped.
18. HOW MANY EX'S ARE ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST?
I have two toes.
19. DO YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR HAIR PULLED?
another I have two toes answer.
20. FAVORITE CITY?
Kitty Hawk North Carolina, more specificly the OBX.
21. FAVORITE COLOR?
I would say orange but I think I'm starting to loath it.
22. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN'T WAIT TO DO?
Sleep
23. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM?
today
24. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR SIBLINGS?
No with my oldest, sorta with my other brother, and sometimes with my sister.
25. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?
My stroke of seriousely bad luck I've been haveing as of late!
26. IF YOU HAD $250,000...HOW WOULD YOU SPEND IT?
So who wants to go to the OBX?
27. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AT YOUR CURRENT JOB?
lol. A week.
28. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO TOM?
My grandpa's name is Tom.
29. LAST PERSON YOU CALLED?
Archie
30. LAST THING YOU ATE?
tomato sandwitch
31. YOUR FAVORITE MONTH?
I would say March but It's looking like a repeat of January and Feb. Tis sucks.
32. YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MONTH?
Feb.
33. WHAT'S THE LAST PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU BORROWED FROM ANYONE?
Another black shirt
34. WHO IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RIGHT NOW?
My family... all of them ALL OF THEM!
35. MOST VISITED WEBPAGE?
Yahoo, LJ.
36. LAST PERSON YOU TEXT MESSAGED?
Anne
37. LAST PERSON THAT MADE YOU SAD?
Mike
38. WOULD YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I would, and I have, it's funny that he's the one holding the gun.
39. FAVORITE DRINK?
DP
40. DO YOU LIKE ORAL SEX?
Giving or receving?? Either way It's nice.
41. GOOD SEX OR ECSTACY PILL?
Sex
42. HAVE YOU BEEN TO EUROPE?
not yet
43. LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX?
... getting personal now arn't ya.
44. IF SOMEONE YOU HATED DIED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Smile, caz now they are hopefully in a good place, but mostly caz I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore.
45. DO YOU OWN A CAMERA PHONE?
no... refer to question 9.
46. WHAT ZODIAC SIGN ARE YOU?
Aries but I also border on Pisces. Which sucks caz the are complete opposits!
47. FAVORITE STARBUCKS DRINK?
Moca Frap.
48. FAVORITE CEREAL?
Fruity pebbles.
49. TURN ONS?
Intelligence, personal code of ethics/honor/morals, free thinker, open minded, rather odd, creative, looks sort of angsty, bracelets/piercings, short hair, no facial hair...tho, a goatee does attact me for some reason...chokers or necklaces that lay close around the neck....Delicate looking....Speaks honestly, clearly, and goes by their gut feeling....Doesn't lie about their emotions....Compassionate...Sings well....Speakes/writes gracefully...And God help me if they are an honest romantic and truly act on being caring and thoughtful.
*looks up* I can dream, can't I? Anne said it best.. Same for me just add someone that will be themselfs, love me for who I am flaws and all, and someone that will not lie cheat or steal from me or to me.
50. DRUG OF CHOICE?
Coffee.

Papers for the house are being signed as we speak. The house is up for sell now. The house down the street sold in 9 days. Another person told me of a house that sold in three days. Oh Goodness. I have 4 boxs that contain my room. I still don't have money for an apartment. My back up plan, to live at one place and store stuff somewhere else has fell through, sence that person will not speak to me. I hope my other friend will lend me a hand... If not I don't know what I'll do. Everything happens for a reason right? I just wish I knew what that was caz this is crap. A shit load of good better be following all this crazyness!

My life as of late hasn't been all that great. I'm going to be 21 in a few days and my only request is to have a small get together with friends. Anne is able to come, and I think Jeremy migt come also. I'm still waiting to hear if Nate is able to make it. Archie said she's going to drop by for a bit. But my best friend may not even want to come. I hope I'm wrong.

Strait men see me as a gay man. It's only gay men that see me as what I truely am.... a very strait woman. Tummy hurts. Must go crawl into a ball and suffer the pain.

Ever felt like someone was mad at you? Not just someone, like a stranger, but like a brother or a close friend? Remember how hard it was to sleep knowing that they might be pissed off at you? Thats where I'm at right now. I think I'll go see if I can patch things up in about 2 hours. I just hope they arn't mad at me for showing up so early. They might be even more pissed off. But I can't sleep! I got to try. If I can't fix things, then maybe I'll fall dead of lack of sleep after the fact. Cross you fingers for me.

ok... I've held it in for long anough... prepare for a rant.

As for my living/family situation my folks are moving to Anderson as soon as they can get this house sold. They are going to a three bed room, 1 and a half bath, small little country house in Townville. Basicly BFE. They have already informed me that there will be no room for me there so that at lest gives them a true reason for wanting me out on my own. Mom's been really big on the 'grow up' spill lately. Wants me to organize and plan out my days. Got me a day planner and everything. Dad doesn't really give a shit as far as I know, and my sister is looking forward to being an only child. She's even asked if she could have my computer desk when I leave. They still don't have anything planned for my birthday... Dad's like 'get over it, your going to be 21. Birthdays arn't special now.' He did tell me however that he doesn't expect me home for my birthday night.

Ok now for the work/money situation. I'm in the hole right now caz I've got a car payment comming up on the 27th and a car insurence payment the 31st, so it doesn't leave me too much for me to spend on myself for my birthday which is fine caz booze is cheap. Walked out of my job today... you can only get hit in the face with a rubber band once before you want to kill someone. So I left. No big deal, I got a job lined up for Monday, just means I got a weekend off. I hope this new job gives me more money than Stax did.... I mean you can't truely live on 10 dollars a night.

As for my friends... I guess if you want to know that then simply ask.

oh yea for anyone who might have forgotten.. my birthday is in 20 days. Ya know it's kind of sad to have to remind the people you love that your having a birthday... like my dad who had no clue. It's also depressing to have to pencil in your birthday on the calender, and your mom's planner becouse even though your siblings birthdays are clearly marked your's isn't. I'll be 21, on the 21. A golden birthday, everyone seems like they'll be working. I won't. I'm taking the day of and after off. I'm going to go drink myself into nothingness, curl up in the basement and blabber to myself. Caz damn I can, and I know one person that didn't have to be reminded of my existance.

Ps.... need food, need sleep, need hug, but most importaintly need to get off my soap box. G'night.

I hope V-D day doesn't mean you've got an STD....either way happy day ya'll. Your loved by the mushroom.......oh shruuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmsssssss. Bed time g'nite.

the bubble's are not reality but it's inside your mind
making you forget where you're from and what's behind.
isn't it suspicious how the world is now your friend
getting in return 1.000 more than what you could ever send.

the bubble doesn't make you but it's you that makes the bubble,
and you better try to remember that it's in your head.
the bubble is a very tricky thing all full of type and it is not easy
to try to see the way things are they'll always be.

we live in a bubble baby.
a bubble's not reality.
you gotta have a look outside.
nothing in a bubble is the way it's supposed to be
and when it blows you'll hit the ground.

we live in a bubble baby.
but it's not the place to be.
cause it's a place of lies and hype.
some believe the bubble cause it's nothing but a dream,
and when it blows you'll be alone.